Relinquished Control

If I had a list of my most stressful days, last Monday would make the top 5. The morning brought health issues, two midterms and an overwhelming sense of needing to plan ahead for a weekend retreat I was helping to design. I spent the day running around aimlessly, feeling a sharpened sense of spiraling out of control.

It was in the midst of this busyness that my co-leader told me some discouraging news. We had high hopes for the first night of activities but our plans were quickly becoming to complicated to carry out. She pulled me aside and graciously told me what to expect.

“It looks like we’re not going to be able to do what we wanted.”

What was my response? I dug my heels in and refused to back down. Instead of surrendering my goals for the weekend, I subjected myself to 24 hours of panic. I made haphazardly constructed requests of good friends (if you received a phone call or text from me on the 28^th, my sincere apologies), grew angry, and experienced heightened levels of anxiety.

After the 24 hours passed and I failed to accomplish what I wanted, I returned to my sweet friend and told her that all our plans had to change. Megan, full of grace while having a full grip on reality, had already developed a backup plan for the first night of the event. The retreat was going to be fine, but I still felt as if my heart was in a permanent state of clambering.

Does this sound familiar to you?

 Have you felt as if the world seems to be against you as your plans fall apart?

 Have you made a mess of a mess as you clung too hard to what you desired?

As I write this, I'm coming back to sense of normality. I've had time to process through the chaos that prefaced our retreat and I've walked away with a painful knowledge of my actions. When I strived for control, I wasn't just yearning for a sense of accomplishment or successful results. I was believing lies about my Creator. I was allowing sinful thoughts to cloud my judgment, things like: 

I can do this better than you could. My plan is better than yours. I can control this situation so that it works out well for me. What people think of me matters more than your Will being done. 

In trying to handle everything on my own, I'm turning away from the God who created the universe (Genesis 1:1-31), the whom I have no good thing apart from (Psalm 16:2); my everlasting rock (Isiah 26:4). I'm trading assured love for my death grip on disillusionment. I trade chaos for chaos; then grow angry when the results don't match up with my desires.

So what do I do when I realize that I'm making an idol of control?

I. Confess it to Christ

"Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." Proverbs 28:13

We're quick to ignore, or overlook, the first step in the process of relinquishing control. I am so guilty of wanting to move quickly, too quickly, once I've realized I need accountability or guidance. I jump the gun and begin to address my issues with friends, rather than bring them to Christ first. 

We're called to repentance through God's kindness (Romans 2:4) and confessing sin to Him is first step (1 John 1:9). To quote a wise friend of mine, "You can't repent to another human. All confession begins with Jesus. The fact is, a human can't do the forgiving & filling of the Holy Spirit that the Lord does when we confess, repent and thank." 

Take this first step seriously as you work through struggling with control. I had a hard time with being honest with Christ this past week; it would have been far easier to stay bitter with Him. Going before Him in repentance opened my eyes to the depth of my issues and experiencing His love in the aftermath opened my eyes to the depth of His grace. 

II. Confess to Others

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16

Once we've confessed to Christ, we're called to handpick fellow believers to confess our sin to. Picking people to confess to can be a little confusing, but the first step is to look for someone who matches the biblical definition of community found in Hebrews 10:24-25. 

My idol of control was messy and most of friends already knew what was going on. Confessing to them looked like saying, "Remember how cranky I was on Tuesday? That was because I've been really struggling with control issues and not trusting the Lord." 

As my friends reflected the grace and mercy of Christ, they encouraged me and loved me well. They called me out on times of control issues and offered up prayers on my behalf. It resulted in hour long conversations about the goodness of our Father, words of comfort and mutual confession. I am so incredibly thankful to be surrounded by the wonderful community I've come to love. Confessing sin to them is a blessing and privilege, one that remains difficult at times but bears such sweet fruit. 

III. Trust in the Holy Spirit 

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!" Psalms 143:10

The next step looks like waiting, patiently, and trusting in the Holy Spirit's guidance. Scripture often calls us to wait (Isiah 40:31, Lamentations 3:25, Psalm 27:13-14), specifically with a focus on being peaceful in our waiting. 

The Lord doesn't call us to wait alone. He has provided the Holy Spirit, the ultimate helper (John 14:26) and guarantor of our inheritance (Ephesians 1:13-14). We're told that the Spirit is a gift that we're spoken to through. 

"But, as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, nor ear hear, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him-' these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God." 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

When struggling with control, especially when our plans are falling apart, it can feel as if we're completely unqualified to do what we're being called to. Let's be clear here. I am qualified only through the Holy Spirit. When I trust the Holy Spirit in my decision making, I am acting out of the qualification that God Himself gave me. In relinquishing control, I am partaking in a special form of communication reserved for those who know Christ. What an incredible gift that is! What an opportunity to dwell within something so beautiful. 

IV. Freedom, not Fear.

"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." 2 Corinthians 3:4-6

As we offer up control to God through the Holy Spirit, we take the burden of the outcome off our own shoulders. My worries about Women's Retreat faded into the background as I began to trust God's will for the weekend. Because I know Him, because I have seen His goodness in the aftermath of good and bad, I trust that His plans. Scripture is clear about our ability to experience that level of freedom. 

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17

Christ speaks of the freedom that we encounter through trusting in our relationship as well (John 8:34-36). We're called to continue to pursue God through the Holy Spirit, fighting against sin (Galatians 5:1) and finding our assurance through Christ (Ephesians 3:11-12). Trading this Holy structure for my flimsy understanding of control would be foolish. 

Overall, control is still something that I struggle with. My brokenness mixes with my deeply rooted desire for independence and I find myself clinging on to the situations I want to manipulate for my good. But I have a Holy Father, one who loves me well and forgives me for each time that I trade His perfect plan for my damaged one. He has painted clear steps for my growth in His scriptures, placed community around me and granted me access to Him through Christ and the Spirit.

Relinquished control, what a sweet and merciful truth to live. 

what happened here

I have, on multiple occasions with good intentions, sat down to write something for this blog. Each time I’ve managed to only write a few haphazardly strung together lines before deleting them all and walking away.

You see, it only took until mid-January for me to realize that I wasn’t going to be able to treat 2016 as I had treated the years before. By March it was impossible to accurately sum up what I was experiencing. 

re•new•al | noun

the replacing or repair of something that is worn out, run-down, or broken

2016 was a year of renewal. God pulled messes out of the darkest corners of my struggling and made them new. I came face to face with my sin and began to understand the weight of my brokenness. He also blessed me with healing, the redemption of relationships and incredible new friendships/adventures. I experienced some of the lowest lows and highest highs yet. I had to clamber for understanding and yet still, felt like I had no idea what He was trying to teach me.

"Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalms 143:8

This scripture became the theme for my year. I sketched it into journals, typed it out in emails and hung it above my headboard.  If I had the courage to get a tattoo, it would have been this verse.

I needed to hear of the Lord’s steadfast love each and every morning as He continued to work in realms beyond my understanding. I needed to ask Him to lead me on paths I didn’t see and I needed to lift my soul up to His control. I saw Him continue to work in me, but also saw His work being done throughout our broken world. The entire year, filled with its unpredictable ups and downs, was in His control.

"And He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' Also He said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'" Revelation 21:5

Every single day spent with Christ is an experience in trusting in the renewal of Creation. Each time something in our world goes terribly wrong, we trust in the One who orchestrates and renews. He takes the evil of our broken world to craft together His eternal glory.

 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

2016 so often got the best of me when I foolishly fixed my eyes upon the world. I had lost sight of our God Eternal and became confused by all the chaos. I was suddenly like Peter, taking my eyes off of the Savior and watching the waves around me as I sank deeper under. But I have a hope for the future, a redemption of my mistakes.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalms 51:10

This past year was incredibly difficult for so many of us. It's so easy to become discouraged, taking our eyes off of Christ and trying to fix the mess around us. Take heart! Christ is making all things new, trust in His ability to redeem.

So, what's my goal for 2017? I'd like to write more, learn how to bake my own bread and go on more bike rides. But far more importantly, I will trust that as He is renewing all of Creation, He is renewing my heart within me. Each morning I will hear of His steadfast love and go to where He would have me. Let's focus upon the One who is in control. 2017 will be better for it.

a great whale

Hello friends, it’s been a while.

These past few weeks have been a bit crazy and I am exhausted. So much has happened. Lately, my sin has been called out, analyzed and discussed. But He is sovereign! I have had incredible opportunities to grow & learn from all that’s happening. It’s been hard, trying to find the balance between vulnerability and guarding my heart. So I haven’t tried to write publicly on it, instead just scribbling frantic prayers in my journal and confiding in close friends.

But today I began to think of the story of Jonah. For the very few of you who don’t know the story, Jonah was an old testament prophet in the Bible. His story starts quite similarly to the other prophets, he’s called to a distant city to act as the mouthpiece for God. But rather than travel to the broken city of Nineveh, Jonah does something else.

“But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the Lord.” Jonah 1:3

Instead of obeying the Lord’s commands, Jonah turns on his heel and flees. He goes in the opposite direction of where the Lord has called Him. It doesn’t work out well for Jonah. The ship he’s “escaping” on is thrown into a terrible storm, the sailors confront him, Jonah confesses his sin, they throw him overboard & the Lord commands a giant fish to swallow Jonah whole.

It’s at this point, in the belly of a whale, that Jonah finally turns to the Lord.

“‘I called out to the Lord, out of my distress and He answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and you heard my voice. For you cast me into the deep into the heart of the seas, and the flood surrounded me; all your waves and your billows passed over me…When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, and my prayer came to you, into your holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. But I with the voice of thanksgiving will sacrifice to you; what I have vowed I will pay. Salvation belongs to the Lord!’” Jonah 2:2-3,7-9

The Lord hears Jonah’s prayer and tells the fish to spit him up. Jonah emerges on dry land after being in the belly of a giant fish for three whole days. He goes to Nineveh and tells the people the message that God has called him to.

It can be so easy to write Jonah’s story off as a simple Sunday School lesson, but aren’t we the same? Isn’t my sin a personalized version of me packing my things and fleeing from the life that the Lord has called me to?

These past few weeks have felt like a whale swallowing me whole. I’ve had embarrassment, shame, conviction and pain drawn to the surface. It would be easy to retreat back and let my experiences speak for me. I could so easily say, “Oh, I would love to you follow you Jesus, but I’m so tired after being in the belly of a fish for three days (so to speak). I need a break before I even think about doing as you say.”

Jonah isn’t just a cautionary tale, it’s an example. He, undoubtably shaken & exhausted (probably covered in who knows what), immediately follows The Lord. He turns to God with praise and repentance. His yearning for obedience is fortified through the horrors he endures. He leans on the strength of the Lord to travel to a distant city. He trades a life of fleeing for a life of following.

I want to be like that, weary and still covered in the aftermath of my own failures but clinging to the plan that The Lord has for my life. I’m still fighting to see my own value, especially in times of struggle and sin. But I rest in the fact that the Lord uses broken people like Jonah, you and me. He sees the blood of Christ covering our inadequacies, He yearns to call you beloved, and He offers us redemption.

Do not let your tendency to wander from Him lead your heart into the false belief that you are unable to be used. He works in the midst of brine, muck, shame and sin.

Here’s to reminding ourselves that.

valentine

Call me crazy, but Valentine’s Day has always struck me as a strange holiday.I think it’s a slightly ostracizing time for people who aren’t really experiencing romantic love. I’m not really a big fan of giant teddy bears, sparkly hearts or even the general idea of the color pink. And don’t even get me started on how the price of chocolate at the beginning of February seems to skyrocket.

But it’s a bit more than that. If we’re supposedly celebrating love, then I think we’re doing it the wrong way. There’s a higher form of love that’s missing from the conversation & we’re missing the whole point.

“In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation of our sins.” 1 John 4:10

That’s it.

God is love. He isn’t limited to February 14^th, to be honest He’s really just not limited. There’s only one love that will never change, never forsake you or turn it’s back on you. There’s a love out there for everyone, one that’s made earth shattering sacrifices and longs to know you personally.

So please, if you don’t already, pursue that love. It makes every single day of the year worth celebrating.

a lesson for my campers

Hi there stranger, it’s been a while.

I’ve been thinking of y’all a lot. I miss our times together at camp and kept thinking of things that I wished I had spent more time telling you. So with some prayer and peer input, here are ten lessons that I hope all of you will learn.

Lesson #1 : God isn’t only working at camp.

I know that it feels like this sometimes. During the week that you were at camp, many of you felt incredibly close to God and all that He was doing, which is great! Nothing gives me a greater sense of joy than seeing y’all growing and learning while we spent a week (or two) in such a beautiful place.

But it’s important to remember that God isn’t just working or present at camp. Camp isn’t a magical place where God lives. Camp is an ordinary place filled with ordinary people serving an extraordinary God. Camp doesn’t make God special, God makes camp special. Anywhere you are and at anytime in your life, God is just as close to you as when you’re at camp. He loves you as much, He’s protecting you just as much, He wants to be with you just as much and He’s doing just as much.

Lesson #2 : He is your greatest & first love.

I honestly think at least of 3 of you have reached out to me in the past week about the same exact thing… . . boys.

It’s nice to be loved by somebody else but make sure that you’re not placing too much importance on it! Having a boyfriend isn’t going to magically solve all your problems or make you feel incredible. People are people, they’re going to disappoint you. They’re not going to be able to give you all the love and protection and comfort that your very soul craves. That’s God’s job. Only He can truly satisfy your heart! He alone is your greatest comfort and love.

If you think you’ve found somebody who is going to keep your relationship centered around Christ and wants to date you, great!  Talk to your parents about it or call me.

If you’re single right now, great! That’s honestly a-okay. The Lord has an incredible plan for all of y’all, trust Him.

Lesson #3 : Who you surround yourself with really matters.

The people closest to you really make a difference in your life! It’s really important to have friends who are going to remind of God’s truths and Jesus’ love. (This doesn’t mean that you should avoid people who don’t believe in Jesus, please do not think that)

Remember the story of Peter walking on the water? Remember how He became distracted by the waves around him, took his eyes off Jesus and began to sink? Maybe a few of you will remember it by the time that we blindfolded you and made you walk barefoot over ice cubes and water. (sorry about that) All silliness aside, there’s a reason I try to go over this story. It’s because the story contains an important lesson.  The most important thing in life is to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.

Great friends will help you remain focused on the voice of Jesus calling to you. Not so great friends will act like waves, distracting you and causing harm. Keep in good company, it’ll help you in the long run, trust me.

Lesson #4 : Spend time with Him daily.

I’ll be honest here, I still struggle with this one, a lot. It’s  something that I’m learning to do with a joyful heart and open mind. But seriously y’all, it is super important to spend time with Him. This can look like praying, journaling, singing, drawing, writing, reading, memorizing or just sitting in silence.

It’s not the act itself that matters. It’s the fact that you’re setting aside time every day to remain focused around/on Him. This time is precious to Him, the bible tells us that God craves your attention and focus. He wants a personal relationship with you! God really uses this time to speak to us, teach us lessons and give us comfort.

If you’re confused on how to start, that’s okay! There are some great resources out there, such as the daily devotional Jesus Calling or the bible app for girls called She Reads Truth. If you want more things to look at, reach out to people you know spend time with Him or call me!

Lesson #5 : There are going to be moments when you don’t feel it.

I have a little story for this lesson. Throughout the 7th and 8th grade I felt completely distanced from God. Every time I prayed it felt like I was praying to a brick wall & reading my bible was as boring as my science textbook. I became frustrated with God and how my relationship with Him felt forced or fake. It was really hard but I learned a lot during that time.

The point of my story is that there are definitely going to be moments where you feel super distant or like God isn’t even there. There are three important things to remember during times like this: 1. God still is there  2. The feeling will not last forever 3. God is using that feeling.

Sometimes God uses the worst of situations to teach you something really big. But if you’re not actively listening to Him, you’re going to have a really hard time hearing Him. He is still there, even in the midst of your doubts and fears. It’s going to be okay.

Even if you don’t have a heart knowledge of Him working, keep a head knowledge of all that He’s done. Remind yourself of His goodness, even when you don’t feel like it. Keep praying and reading His word. He’s still there.

Lesson #6 : You can’t earn God’s love.

Okay this one was another hard one for me. I spent a long time thinking that if I behaved really well or acted like a really good person, God would love me. Everytime I messed up, I would get really upset because I thought I had disappointed God and He wouldn’t love me anymore. This isn’t true!

God loves you. Period. That’s it. There’s nothing you can do that will make Him love you because He already does! He loves you so much that He sent His only son for you.

Receiving the love that God has to offer to you is the best thing you can do. Jesus Christ, His crucifixion and resurrection are the ultimate display of God’s love. You can’t earn this, you can only receive it.

Lesson #7: Your sin isn’t going to separate you from God.

Sometimes when I sin, I feel so ashamed of what I’ve done that I become convinced that God couldn’t possibly love me or want me. This. Is. A. Lie.

I recently heard someone preach something that addressed the lie of sin separation. Her name is Kari Kennedy and she said this: “Imagine Satan going to God and pointing out every single time you sinned. Every little lie or broken promise or harsh word. Now imagine that every single time Satan lists one-off, Jesus is standing beside the right hand of God’s throne saying, ‘Paid for it. Paid for it. Paid for it. I’ve already paid for it.’”

Sin used to separate people from God, but Jesus changed all that! He is the bridge between very flawed people and a very unflawed God. Yes, sin is obviously bad & people need to repent (another word for confess or apologize) for their sins, but this doesn’t mean that God is going to walk away from you when you sin. God meets you where you are, not where you should be.

Lesson #8 : God doesn’t expect you to go to Him “perfectly.”

God doesn’t need you to perform for Him. He doesn’t need you to pray with beautiful and carefully crafted sentences. He doesn’t need you to sing the loudest, talk the most or know all the answers. Yes, these can all be good things, but God doesn’t need it.

See, I used to think that whenever I prayed I needed to plan out everything I was going to say or ask for. I would pre-pre-prepare my prayers so that they sounded nice and God would be happy with me. This meant that anytime I couldn’t really think of the words to say, I wouldn’t pray. I ended up praying and talking to Him less and less. It took me a while to realize that God doesn’t want you to go to Him only when you’re all put together, He just wants you to go to Him.

Now my prayers are angry, ugly, upset, pretty, honest and jumbled. All that matters is that you’re going to God with your thoughts and feelings, no matter how they’re presented.

Lesson #9 : There isn’t a time when your faith magically comes together.

I asked a few of my fellow counselors (they all say hi) what they wanted their campers to learn. One of my best friends and someone most of you know, Natalie Tedder, said this:

“Something I think campers should just know in general, is that a relationship with Jesus never happens like a flick of a switch. I used to think, ‘Yeah, when I’m in high school or college or when I become an ACIT, I’ll just have an ideal relationship with God.’ But if you keep waiting for an age or a place or magical day to arrive, you’re going to be disappointed. Having a relationship with Jesus is an ever-growing process. Until the day that we go to heaven, we have to keep striving after the Lord. No one has a ‘perfect’ relationship with God. We’re all growing and learning everyday.”

Lesson #10 : Your counselors are still here to answer questions.

I miss and love every single one of you. I honest to God cry whenever y’all text me, comment on my instagram or send letters. Like openly weep. It’s embarrassing.

But more important than that, I know that every counselor that’s worked at Camp feels the same exact way. We love to hear about your life or answer any questions you may have (this doesn’t mean we’re always going to have a magical answer to every question but we’re happy to help).

If you’re confused, happy, upset, scared, thankful or honestly just bored, reach out to us! We’d love to hear from you.

I hope this little post helped some of you, if you have any questions about what’s on this list or any questions in general please reach out! I am more than happy to talk to y’all.

And from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Y’all have been gifts in my life and I love each of you. Let me know if you need anything.

gratitude

a list of things that i'm thankful for 

grace + discipline

This week I’ve been learning about sin.I know, fun week, right?

To be specific, I’ve been learning about the finer workings of discipline, grace & sin. It’s been hard. Really, deeply & truly unpleasant at times. Living life is far easier if we brush over the concept of sin and ignore our shortcomings. This week was filled with taking a step back to reflect upon sin & the root of it.

I wish I could sit here in this well-worn armchair & write a brilliant analysis of the folly of mankind that concludes with some poetic statement on perfection. But I can’t. I’m still struggling, I’m still sinning, and I’m still falling short. But I’ve gained so much in this week. It’s been fruitful to dig deeper! For one, my cycle of repentance used to look like this.

1. Emma tries on her own strength to follow what He asks
2. Emma inevitably messes up & sins
3. Emma, feeling terrible and guilty, retreats from Him
4. Emma realizes this is the worst
5. Emma seeks grace & repents for sin
6. Repeat.

There are obvious flaws in this system. My past version of discipline often borders upon self-righteous law. I depend upon my own strength, I don’t offer up anxiety to the Lord, I don’t confess sin or struggle to others & I punish myself when I fall short. In the past I’ve sought grace only in the aftermath of failed discipline. In some odd fashion, I was removing Him from the equation. I tried to earn grace & withstand sin on my own strength, something I’m clearly incapable of doing.  I was missing the point.

“The disciplines are God’s way for getting us into the ground; they put us where He can work within us and transform us. By themselves the Spiritual Disciplines can do nothing; they can only get us to the place where something can be done. They are God’s means of grace.” -Richard J. Foster

He pours grace upon grace in the midst of struggle, the aftermath, the fall & the buildup. Discipline is an act of receiving grace & following Him.

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

His grace is not just what follows discipline, it’s what spiritual discipline is built upon. There should be genuine joy in discipline! It opens our hearts towards His will & draws us closer. For that, I will delight in the midst of shortcomings & discipline.