If I had a list of my most stressful days, last Monday would
make the top 5. The morning brought health issues, two midterms and an
overwhelming sense of needing to plan ahead for a weekend retreat I was helping to design. I spent the day running around aimlessly, feeling a sharpened
sense of spiraling out of control.
It was in the midst of this busyness that my co-leader told
me some discouraging news. We had high hopes for the first night of activities
but our plans were quickly becoming to complicated to carry out. She pulled me
aside and graciously told me what to expect.
“It looks like we’re not going to be able to do what we
wanted.”
What was my response? I
dug my heels in and refused to back down. Instead of surrendering my goals
for the weekend, I subjected myself to 24 hours of panic. I made haphazardly
constructed requests of good friends (if you received a phone call or text from
me on the 28th, my sincere apologies), grew angry, and experienced
heightened levels of anxiety.
After the 24 hours passed and I failed to accomplish what I
wanted, I returned to my sweet friend and told her that all our plans had to
change. Megan, full of grace while having a full grip on reality, had already
developed a backup plan for the first night of the event. The retreat was going
to be fine, but I still felt as if my heart was in a permanent state of
clambering.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Have you felt as if the world seems to
be against you as your plans fall apart?
Have you made a mess of a mess as you
clung too hard to what you desired?
As I write this, I'm coming back to sense of normality. I've had time to process through the chaos that prefaced our retreat and I've walked away with a painful knowledge of my actions. When I strived for control, I wasn't just yearning for a sense of accomplishment or successful results. I was believing lies about my Creator. I was allowing sinful thoughts to cloud my judgment, things like:
I can do this better than you could. My plan is better than yours. I can control this situation so that it works out well for me. What people think of me matters more than your Will being done.
In trying to handle everything on my own, I'm turning away from the God who created the universe (Genesis 1:1-31), the whom I have no good thing apart from (Psalm 16:2); my everlasting rock (Isiah 26:4). I'm trading assured love for my death grip on disillusionment. I trade chaos for chaos; then grow angry when the results don't match up with my desires.
So what do I do when I realize that I'm making an idol of control?
I. Confess it to Christ
"Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." Proverbs 28:13
We're quick to ignore, or overlook, the first step in the process of relinquishing control. I am so guilty of wanting to move quickly, too quickly, once I've realized I need accountability or guidance. I jump the gun and begin to address my issues with friends, rather than bring them to Christ first.
We're called to repentance through God's kindness (Romans 2:4) and confessing sin to Him is first step (1 John 1:9). To quote a wise friend of mine, "You can't repent to another human. All confession begins with Jesus. The fact is, a human can't do the forgiving & filling of the Holy Spirit that the Lord does when we confess, repent and thank."
Take this first step seriously as you work through struggling with control. I had a hard time with being honest with Christ this past week; it would have been far easier to stay bitter with Him. Going before Him in repentance opened my eyes to the depth of my issues and experiencing His love in the aftermath opened my eyes to the depth of His grace.
II. Confess to Others
"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16
Once we've confessed to Christ, we're called to handpick fellow believers to confess our sin to. Picking people to confess to can be a little confusing, but the first step is to look for someone who matches the biblical definition of community found in Hebrews 10:24-25.
My idol of control was messy and most of friends already knew what was going on. Confessing to them looked like saying, "Remember how cranky I was on Tuesday? That was because I've been really struggling with control issues and not trusting the Lord."
As my friends reflected the grace and mercy of Christ, they encouraged me and loved me well. They called me out on times of control issues and offered up prayers on my behalf. It resulted in hour long conversations about the goodness of our Father, words of comfort and mutual confession. I am so incredibly thankful to be surrounded by the wonderful community I've come to love. Confessing sin to them is a blessing and privilege, one that remains difficult at times but bears such sweet fruit.
III. Trust in the Holy Spirit
"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!" Psalms 143:10
The next step looks like waiting, patiently, and trusting in the Holy Spirit's guidance. Scripture often calls us to wait (Isiah 40:31, Lamentations 3:25, Psalm 27:13-14), specifically with a focus on being peaceful in our waiting.
The Lord doesn't call us to wait alone. He has provided the Holy Spirit, the ultimate helper (John 14:26) and guarantor of our inheritance (Ephesians 1:13-14). We're told that the Spirit is a gift that we're spoken to through.
"But, as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, nor ear hear, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him-' these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God." 1 Corinthians 2:9-10
When struggling with control, especially when our plans are falling apart, it can feel as if we're completely unqualified to do what we're being called to. Let's be clear here. I am qualified only through the Holy Spirit. When I trust the Holy Spirit in my decision making, I am acting out of the qualification that God Himself gave me. In relinquishing control, I am partaking in a special form of communication reserved for those who know Christ. What an incredible gift that is! What an opportunity to dwell within something so beautiful.
IV. Freedom, not Fear.
"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." 2 Corinthians 3:4-6
As we offer up control to God through the Holy Spirit, we take the burden of the outcome off our own shoulders. My worries about Women's Retreat faded into the background as I began to trust God's will for the weekend. Because I know Him, because I have seen His goodness in the aftermath of good and bad, I trust that His plans. Scripture is clear about our ability to experience that level of freedom.
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17
Christ speaks of the freedom that we encounter through trusting in our relationship as well (John 8:34-36). We're called to continue to pursue God through the Holy Spirit, fighting against sin (Galatians 5:1) and finding our assurance through Christ (Ephesians 3:11-12). Trading this Holy structure for my flimsy understanding of control would be foolish.
Overall, control is still something that I struggle with. My brokenness mixes with my deeply rooted desire for independence and I find myself clinging on to the situations I want to manipulate for my good. But I have a Holy Father, one who loves me well and forgives me for each time that I trade His perfect plan for my damaged one. He has painted clear steps for my growth in His scriptures, placed community around me and granted me access to Him through Christ and the Spirit.
Relinquished control, what a sweet and merciful truth to live.
