community

To be honest, last year I was seriously lacking in friends.Sure, I knew nice people who would walk to classes or occasionally eat a subpar meal in the dining hall with me. But I missed what I normally shared with people from my hometown or camp.

Call it community, kinship, friendship, fellowship, whatever you want. I was lacking.

I made a few lovely friends (you know who you are) during my fall semester but still felt this empty loneliness.  I was bitter towards the Lord, I felt cheated from my “college experience.” Where were the people who were to share the “best years of my life?” Where were the people that I could go on impromptu road trips on, explore cool coffee shops and share in the victories / hardships of life with?

I’d like to say that things quickly changed, but they didn’t. Basically, things didn’t change until February. In one whirlwind of a night I was introduced to a woman who immediately added me on Facebook and Instagram, got my number and invited me to a small group that met on Tuesday nights. I walked home in tears over how excited I was to finally have female Christian friends.

I regularly attended the group and began to make acquaintances but was reluctant to open up. Looking back, I was so clearly afraid of revealing how much I was struggling, worried that people wouldn’t want to be my friend if they realized how much hurt I was harboring. In my desperate attempts to avoid loneliness, I isolated myself from fellowship.

I continued to attend every gathering of women that I could, hoping that I would somehow feel poured into & known. I grew frustrated with my inability to be vulnerable, feeling like I now had several amazing acquaintances but no true friends. I prayed for a softened heart.

The turning point came in early April, during a small group meeting. We had explored scripture together and were wrapping up the evening with prayer requests. As we went around the circle, I began to notice the openness with which these women were speaking. They confessed to areas of temptation and sin, noted small personal victories and gave genuine answers. They answered with discernment but allowed a level of vulnerability that I couldn’t help but envy. As my turn approached, I debated passing or giving some shallow answer. But I guess that’s not what the Lord had planned.

Instead of being coy, I blurted out, “I’m having a really hard time with what I think might be depression and anxiety. So yeah, prayer for that would be cool.”

Honestly, I was mortified. I could feel my heartbeat start to skyrocket & I knew there was a creeping heat rising up my neck.  I expected silence or awkward half-hearted affirmation. Instead, there were murmurs of comfort and understanding. After the meeting ended, three different people confessed they had struggled similarly. I went home and cried harder than I thought possible.  It was a breakthrough of sorts, one that I will never forget.

As it turns out, this experience wasn’t really unique to just me. As believers, we’re called to this. We’re called to accountability amongst one another. We’re called to prayer & confession & encouragement in group settings, all requiring a level of trust and vulnerability.

“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”  James 5: 13- 16 

The concept alone is somewhat terrifying! It leaves a lot of room for human error but we’re told that this is what the early church was modeled upon. It’s what helps believers feel poured into and helps us walk with accountability. It is a fruitful process, meant to create a support system. It holds us up to a higher standard.

“Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10: 23 - 25 

This goes beyond the basics; this doesn’t look like the typical idea of friendship. It turns out scripture defines fellowship as something beyond supportive friendships. It’s deeper than briefly checking up on someone from high school. It’s not the connection between people who occasionally wish for the other’s well-being.

 So what is fellowship?

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12: 9 – 12

It is intentionally meeting with one another. It is praying over those who are suffering. It is rejoicing with those who are rejoicing. It is confessing sins to one another. It is forgiving those who have sinned. It is holding fast to the teachings of Jesus. It is holding each other to a standard. It is genuinely love.  It is brotherly affection. It is honoring one another. It is putting forth effort.

This isn’t an easy process. This clear request leaves me with anxiety over my own brokenness. It leaves me with worrying that others will judge me. But as one of my wisest friends once said, “What is man compared to God?” So I’m moving forward.

This semester has held noticeable differences in my fellowship with others. It looks like confessing sin while eating mocha popsicles near a lake. It looks like intentionally meeting once a week at coffee shops to talk about my walk. It takes place on car rides, phone conversations and tear-eyed prayer. It looks like people calling me out & lifting me up, offering truth and vulnerability in turn. Who cares if I lose respect or comfort in the process? The things I may lose in cannot compare to knowing Him.

So here’s towards the awkward growing period of confession. Here’s to the vulnerability that we all are simultaneously drawn to and terrified of.  Here’s to following Him through our kinship with one another.

To those who model this in my life, thank you.